Promises

I hate it when the people close to you always break important promises time after time after time.

Timing

So I dont believe in God so much but I do believe in a 'higher power'. My beliefs swing alot more towards the pagan religion than anything else. Most of the time I don't even think about things like God but there are definately times when I think someone or something must be out there having a good old laugh at me and doing things on purpose just to annoy me. Maybe karma really does exist.

I don't think I have previously mentioned that I got engaged last November. Anyway, ever since then things keep happens, needing a new dining room table, washing machine breaking, new washing machine breaking, washing machine fitters breaking piping under sink, telephones breaking and now leaking pipes in our bathroom. Argh so annoying. We are meant to be saving up for a day that we can barely afford anyway and all we keep having to do is spend our money on boring crap. Groan groan groan groan groan.

Its weird, an hour ago I was thinking 'oh I havent had a bath since last night I really should have one. Im too tired i'll have one in the morning' and bang, pipe goes. Now im suddenly aware of the fact that its been 24 hours since I have washed. Im very paranois that I stink. I have a bit of an issue with personal hygiene and being relaxed enough to not HAVE to have at least one bath today was rather good for me. I can't have sex without washing before and afterwards, even if I had a bath ten minutes before hand, I have to go have another wash. My boyfriend - sorry fiance - must wonder what on earth im doing.


Anyway, I want a wash.

Doubt

After stopping my medication cold turkey I had a strange sense of awakening. Now I find it hard to believe that I could feel anything. Not that I feel nothing, but Im so indecisive about everything that I find it hard to believe I settled on one emotion.
Im a whirlwind. I doubt everything. EVERYTHING. Who am I? Who is Tom*? What on earth are we doing together? Am I really doubting Tom and I or am I sub consciously finding ways to ruin it so that its me causing the hurt and not recieving it? Have I changed? Has he changed? Would life really be better if I were back 'home'? Do I really miss home or am I longing for something familiar? Or am I longing for something different from my daily routine? Why am I so much more fun down there? Is it because Im happier down there? Is it because I put on an act down there? If so, why do I put on an act? Am I more unhappy down there? Do the bad memories really affect me that much? Do they even still affect me? Am I so scared of not having them define me that I purposly think about them?  Am I horrible to him? Or is he such an arse hole that he makes me beloieve that it's all me? Is it a problem that he has that habit that I don't like? Does it really affect someones personality? Does it? Should I put in more effort at work? Should I leave? Should I stop being a twat and accept that things are the way they are?

Who ever really knows what they are doing in life? How the hell does anyone ever make decisions? Why does every decision I ever have to make make me feel like im going to be ruining the rest of my life?



*Tom is not my partners real name. I doubt anyone will ever read this but just incase!

Unread

I don't expect anyone to read this Blog. Its just an outlet for me. There is no satisfaction in writing stuff out and then deleting it, so I thought I would save it somewhere.

Into to Wasted Brain Admin Girl

Hello.
I thought it would be wise to share my views with the World Wide Web, as it were, rather than my real life acquaintances, therefore eradicating (hopefully) any offence.

I live a very stereotypical lifestyle. It goes a bit like this:
Age 5: Start school, instantly become a 'nerd'
Age 8: Parents divorce
Age 8: Step-father-to-be moves in and real fathers presence in my life starts dwindling
Age 8 - 12: Start gaining weight rapidly. Still a 'nerd'. Still intelligent for my age group and an average girl.
Age 13: Inappropriate sexual behaviour recieved from school arsehole. Mother, who has always been very unbalanced, starts to show very worrying behaviour, leading to emotional 'abuse'. Discover Self Harm. Intelligence, and any interest in it, starts to fade rapidly.
Age 14- 16: Same as above with more drinking and smoking. Despite no level of interest in School I still manage to pass all my GCSEs and 'the world is my oyster' shall we say.
Age 16: Strong, Strong desire to leave all the crappiness behind I leave school and get an apprenticeship. Normal life stuff happens and my brain gets switched to a permenant low setting.


Now I turned my brain off, thats fine. But Jesus Christ, the 'real world' doesn't half judge you for what your role is. Yes I am the lowest paid person in my office, but I can tell you now, I am leaps and bounds more intelligent than some of the twats I have met who get paid at least double me and therefore recieve double the respect.

Yes it's great that Mummy and Daddy taught you how to have a great big fucking ego and that that helped you tread on people to get somewhere near the top. But no, that does NOT give you the right to fucking judge all of us below you. I bet you vote Tory too dont you?

Wanker.